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So, I had to put my money where my mouth was this week.
You may remember I was pretty vocal about why My Kids are NOT #1 in my life.
Lovely, lovely Android forced an update for my phone this week. It moved all my apps around, screwed with my memory and battery life, wiped a bunch of photos (despite assurances it wouldn’t!) and generally provided me with a generally irritated mood for a few days.
One of the resets was wiping the photo background and lock screen – a delightful picture of the kids I’d had on there for about a year. (I guess if it’s that old, it’s probably time to rebook family pictures!)
So, I scrolled through the past few months of photos and found a delightful photo my sister-in-law snapped at a wedding a few weeks ago. We had a rare child-free weekend trip to Seattle to celebrate, and photo truly captured a glimpse well-rested people who were basking in the remembrance of why we fell in love 14 years ago. Plus it has Ry in a tux, which is always a great shot!
Fast forward to last night, Nola was playing on my phone when she suddenly looked at me and with accusation in her tone said: “You love Daddy more than me. You took our picture off and put his on!” I won’t lie, I almost burst out laughing, but self-control won out. “Who’s the most important?” she demanded.
I hugged her hard and explained that, after God, Ryan is most important to me, followed by her and her brothers. And I won’t lie, it broke my heart a little to see her working out the reality that she wasn’t priority #1. She knows she is loved, she knows she is important, and she now knows she is not the most important. And I truly think she’ll be a better human for it in the long run.
A Culture of Entitlement
I realized after our conversation that culture has pushed parents to become more than just the people responsible for raising and guiding these precious kids. Social Media – the culture in general – seems to remind us that we aren’t being good parents if we aren’t some sort of Martyr. Sacrificing anything and everything for these tiny humans. I’m talking beyond the expected and unavoidable things; of course, having people who are entirely dependent on you comes with sacrificing time, money, sleep, and a quiet house. But that’s just the beginning. It seems that we’re expected to martyr ourselves – in the name of being good parents – and nothing is off limits: from friendships to marriage relationships to self-care and preservation. It should come 100% after the kids.
But at some point in this martyrdom, the kids pick up that they’re IT. They’re the priority. The world of these taller humans revolves around them – and they’re going to relish that. That in itself isn’t a terrible thing, except that the reality still exists that when they grow up and move to college or get their first job that they will be thrust into a situation where they aren’t #1. And I’m not sure how equipped they will be to navigate that situation because it has never happened in 20 years of life! I truly believe it is my responsibility to model a healthy, adjusted boundary of priorities for my children. And that involves putting my money where my mouth is and answering honestly when the questions are asked.
Hear me: I’m not saying don’t do things for your kids. I’m not saying that my kids aren’t important. I’m not even saying we shouldn’t tell kids they are important. I’m not saying that, yes, sometimes life happens and you’re coming in last place after you’ve taken care of everyone else.
I am saying that it is OK to say “no” to a kids activity or something that will burn you out.
I am saying that it is OK to inconvenience your kids’ schedule to accommodate a Date Night with your spouse.
I am saying it is healthy to say YES to something that is just for you – without guilt!
What are you giving up for your kids?
Beautiful post Sarah! Thank you for these words. You hit the nail square on the head. I find myself intentionally pushing against my flesh’s desire to give in and give my children everything. I remember very clearly the day I shared a picture with my 4 children and showed them how our home operates. At the top is God, then my husband, then me, and then – them. I remember the sadness in their eyes as they realized that our home does not revolve around them, but I explained to them very clearly that God has to be at the top, and our marriage has to strong for our family to operate the way God has purposed. I still feel a twinge of angst even typing this out – but it’s so true these things being where they are purposed to be really does trickle down into overflow into their lives. They are loved best when our home is according to God’s plan.
Hey girl! It can be hard. Kelly, my best friend, wrote this post. But I’ve had to deal with this as a stepmom too. It’s been a struggle because I’m the new person in their life. But I think they finally (they are all adults now!) understand that they are not the most important person in my husband’s life. It’s God first, then our marriage, then them.